Losing everything is painful. Choices that seemed reasonable at the time appear foolish in retrospect. So again, I turn to scriptures to try and contextualize my experience. 

I Corinthians 3:15 says that "If any man's work is burned up, he will suffer loss; but he himself will be saved, yet so as through fire."

I (think I) know that the reference is to spiritual efforts on earth, with concomitant heavenly rewards (or lack thereof), but right now it seems that all I've done has been "burned up" leaving only loss. I may have come through the fire, but what now?

The overwhelming feeling is of failing those dependent on me. Sad to say, if I had died during my hospitalization, those left behind would have been more secure (at least financially.) Term life policy would have covered the house and left a small nest egg, and pension and social security would have provided for continued living expenses.

So one (I) can't help but consider suicide, given the fact of being worth more dead than alive at this time. But Paul goes on to say that "If any man destroys the temple of God, God will destroy him, for the temple of God is holy, and that is what you are." I have experienced God, given my life to Him, so it would appear that taking my own life is not an option.

The following verses seem to hit me hard, instructing "Let no man deceive himself. If any man among you thinks that he is wise in this age, he must become foolish, so that he may become wise. For the wisdom of this world is foolishness before God." If I look at myself without the standard filters of rationalization, the mirror reveals a man who has deceived himself, thinking himself wise. Now I see myself as foolish, having embraced the wisdom of this world.

So, God, what would you have me do? Against the advice of the job-seeker counselors, I will have to "settle" for much less than I thought I was qualified to do. That's fine. I don't mind cutting back lifestyle, it truly isn't important to me. I still have clothes, a car, enough to eat and, for the moment, a roof over my (and my dependents') head(s). Today, I re-write my resumé, and begin a more humble job search. Please, God, teach me Your ways, and bless my efforts to please You.

Where to turn when feeling overwhelmed by life's most recent vicissitudes? Job, of course. He suffered extreme change, from top of the world to dregs of existence. His initial reaction to losing wealth and family is amazing: 

"...he fell to the ground and worshipped. He said, 'Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I shall return there. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away. Blessed by the name of the Lord. Through all this Job did not sin nor did he blame God."

Interesting that God was confident of Job's devotion because of Job's faithfulness in prosperity. Satan took it away, thereby allowing Job (and Satan and the universe) to see that God's assessment was correct. The adversity didn't change Job's heart, but did reveal it most dramatically.

So, do I accept the lesson, and remain faithful in adversity? or take Job's wife's suggestion...

No job, losing my house, what else can go wrong?

Feel estranged from a child of mine, feel that I'm failing all those who are/were close to me.

So I read Psalm 27, and cry, because I have the mixed emotions that it does and doesn't apply to me.

Have I been seeking Him, asking to dwell in His house – anytime at all, much less all the days of my life?

Do I feel that He will keep me safe in His place? Does my heart tell me to seek His face?

And yet I resonate with the cry to ask Him to not hide His face from me, to not reject or forsake me.

So now I pray, "Teach me Your way, O Lord; lead me in a straight path..."

But while I believe, I need His help with my unbelief, so that I can be confident that I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living; Now, not in some nebulous future time and place.